Archive for October, 2014

Happy Samhain!

October 31, 2014

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This time of year has always been filled with excitement and anticipation for me: Not because it’s getting close to Christmas (or that my birthday is just over a week away), but rather the sudden turn to the Dark of the Year with the clocks going back signals the season of Mischief & Misrule; the air tinged with the scent of bonfire and fireworks.

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Mania

October 30, 2014

Since I’m in a manic upswing right now, I thought I’d take this opportunity to write a bit about how mania manifests – at least in my case, but from listening to others describe their experiences at the manic pole, I feel pretty sure that at least some of these symptoms will apply to most bipolar people.

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Meditation

October 30, 2014

Great post on meditation by my friend Poppy here.

I have managed to build up to 20 mins by incremental increases of 5 minutes: ie, once I could (mostly) hold my focus for 5 minutes, I added another 5. The format I generally use at the moment is metta bhavana – loving kindness – where each 5 min segment is focused on a particular person:

… Just to point out that the meditation Poppy writes about is known as “the mindfulness of breathing” – you can find timer tracks, with bells at 5 min intervals, at the end of the metta article I linked to.

Harnessing The Power Of Mental Illness

October 28, 2014

So… still firmly in the grasp of an upswing: devouring that manual I got; been scouring Scribd for anything on mentalism and stage/street magic and packing out my library; even managed to figure out an impressive effect by David Blaine. It’s been pretty much the default setting for my brain all week…

… which has culminated in my wife commenting:

“If you put as much effort into our business we’d be millionaires.”

ah… touché

Just Another Manic Sunday

October 26, 2014

I had a bout of depression last week, it’s been on and off since then. Yesterday was another culmination, I couldn’t pull myself together to perform even simple tasks – let alone change the dressings on my eldest son’s arm after he’d slid and fallen from his bike in the rain. I felt like crying, like my head was stuffed with cotton, like sacking the whole day off and staying in bed (not possible; needed to look after youngest son). In the end I took some meds and had a bit of a lie down until they kicked in.

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Power Word

October 22, 2014

Warning: extra long post

(tl/dr: I got it.)

Further to my previous post, I performed a ritual with the intent of gaining a power word to snap myself out of impending rage and into my magical persona. The ritual itself is outlined in the first paragraph of this article, which I preceded (and followed) with the banishing ritual given as an example here. Pretty basic stuff, really.

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Bibliomancy

October 20, 2014

A book on psychic development I bought but haven’t read yet caught my eye, so I thought I’d try a little bibliomancy to see what useful info it might flag, any particular technique I should be practising. I closed my eyes, flipped through to a random page and pressed my finger to the paper.

Upon opening my eyes I discovered it was a description of bibliomancy… pretty much exactly what I’ve just written.

Seems the (now deceased) author has a sense of humour.

October 17, 2014

Been off sugar for 3 weeks now; last night I could really taste it in the crust of a take-away pizza. Got really thirsty eating it, probably all the hidden salt balancing out the secret sugar.

Yet Another Flip Out

October 15, 2014

Morning school run today: Had a slight knock in the car (wing mirrors, smashed mirror in mine, took his right off), the other guy was driving way too fast in a school zone, I refused to accept liability. The dude was crazy and aggressive, refused to give me his insurance details, tried to intimidate and scare me and my wife (he terrified our 6y/o son, my wife managed to get him away and into school); when she came back he told her to “shut up” and to “know her place” told me to “shut my woman up”. I told him she was her own person, we were equals, I didn’t boss her she didn’t boss me. So he threatened to stab her in the eye, to get his “backup” and come and “get revenge”, to kick my car in, to generally fuck me up. Kept my cool until he opened my car door and tried to get in. Flipped like a switch, but only put him on the floor. Didn’t hit him or use unnecessary force. Rage Demon protecting me, my wife and property. He got garden shears out of his trunk and threatened to stab us, I said I was calling the police and he quickly stashed them back in his car – but they turned up anyway, since all his shouting and threats had made bystanders call them. Manitained my calm, dealt with the police in a matter-of-fact way. Got guy’s insurance details. Left scene.

This Is A Low

October 13, 2014

Feels like treading water fully clothed; all that waterlogged weight pulling you down and your heart gripped with the fearful certainty that you’re going under, knowing there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

Since the recent episode, I’ve not been particularly well. Compared to how I was  three weeks ago, the difference is quite marked: lack of resilience, tiny things magnified to unmanageable size, circling intrusive thoughts mobbing and ravaging my mind like swirling crows, simple problems turned into Herculean tasks, all bound up in that pervasive sinking feeling.

It’s affecting my ability to work, overshadowing my interactions and relationships, accompanied by a feeling of fragility – that I might crack at any moment, the slightest knock reducing me to tears.

Perhaps I need to start carrying Lorazepam (Ativan), just in case. This is the first time I’ve ever felt that way.