This Is A Low

Feels like treading water fully clothed; all that waterlogged weight pulling you down and your heart gripped with the fearful certainty that you’re going under, knowing there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

Since the recent episode, I’ve not been particularly well. Compared to how I was  three weeks ago, the difference is quite marked: lack of resilience, tiny things magnified to unmanageable size, circling intrusive thoughts mobbing and ravaging my mind like swirling crows, simple problems turned into Herculean tasks, all bound up in that pervasive sinking feeling.

It’s affecting my ability to work, overshadowing my interactions and relationships, accompanied by a feeling of fragility – that I might crack at any moment, the slightest knock reducing me to tears.

Perhaps I need to start carrying Lorazepam (Ativan), just in case. This is the first time I’ve ever felt that way.

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4 Responses to “This Is A Low”

  1. bipolaronfire Says:

    I know I am feeling crappier due to the seasons changing. Do you feel like that might be a factor for you?

  2. mixmage Says:

    Yes, I do. Certainly the shorter days, with getting up and getting home from work in the dark doesn’t help. Neither does the cold, grey and raining that has taken over this week – my job as a goldsmith involves walking around the Jewellery Quarter picking up and dropping off to other trades. Great fun in the summer, but it sucks pretty bad in the cold and wet.

    Hope you get some relief somehow. My wife was talking about getting a daylight box for home (since we use daylight bulbs at the studio for colour accuracy), maybe this would help?

  3. mixmage Says:

    Right. Got Lorazepam in my pocket. Can’t afford to lose another day like yesterday.

  4. Just Another Manic Sunday | mixmage Says:

    […] had a bout of depression last week, it’s been on and off since then. Yesterday was another culmination, I […]

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