Just Another Manic Sunday

I had a bout of depression last week, it’s been on and off since then. Yesterday was another culmination, I couldn’t pull myself together to perform even simple tasks – let alone change the dressings on my eldest son’s arm after he’d slid and fallen from his bike in the rain. I felt like crying, like my head was stuffed with cotton, like sacking the whole day off and staying in bed (not possible; needed to look after youngest son). In the end I took some meds and had a bit of a lie down until they kicked in.

Today I can feel myself on an upswing into mania. I’m obsessing over the other kind of magic; close up, street magic and mentalism. I’ve already shelled out for a manual, which is a dangerous position to be in. Once I become obsessional, I can end up spending a whole bunch of money I don’t have on stuff I don’t need (ask me about my collection of 1st edition Yugi-Oh cards). I can waste days on the internet searching for pirate copies of books that I probably won’t even read. I become so one-pointed that everything else ceases to matter – in extreme cases this can include eating and personal hygiene (very much like severe depression).

It can have its benefits: I learned Ukulele from scratch in just a couple of weeks, but that meant putting in something crazy like 50 hours a week; every evening after work and all day at the weekends. Scanning my “challenge” journal, I can see symptoms of mania glinting through the diary: the first few weeks are packed with entries, the exercises themselves ramping quickly from entry level to the more advanced stages. This is where my obsessional self has been living…

Oh yeah, plus blogging. Even this blog is evidence of obsession; the need to write stuff down, to shut myself off from the outside world and live in my internal world. Which hits the nail on the head:

The external, “so-called” Real World is where the stressors live, lots of things demanding money right now: rent on the studio; MOT, repairs and insurance renewal for the car; plus stuff like the whole wing mirror insurance claim. I can see why I’m flipping between poles so much.

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