Posts Tagged ‘violence’

Yet Another Flip Out

October 15, 2014

Morning school run today: Had a slight knock in the car (wing mirrors, smashed mirror in mine, took his right off), the other guy was driving way too fast in a school zone, I refused to accept liability. The dude was crazy and aggressive, refused to give me his insurance details, tried to intimidate and scare me and my wife (he terrified our 6y/o son, my wife managed to get him away and into school); when she came back he told her to “shut up” and to “know her place” told me to “shut my woman up”. I told him she was her own person, we were equals, I didn’t boss her she didn’t boss me. So he threatened to stab her in the eye, to get his “backup” and come and “get revenge”, to kick my car in, to generally fuck me up. Kept my cool until he opened my car door and tried to get in. Flipped like a switch, but only put him on the floor. Didn’t hit him or use unnecessary force. Rage Demon protecting me, my wife and property. He got garden shears out of his trunk and threatened to stab us, I said I was calling the police and he quickly stashed them back in his car – but they turned up anyway, since all his shouting and threats had made bystanders call them. Manitained my calm, dealt with the police in a matter-of-fact way. Got guy’s insurance details. Left scene.

Medication

October 11, 2014

As I already mentioned, I have rapid cycling bipolar disorder. On the downswing, in addition to intrusive thoughts and self criticism (including replaying of events and situations from many years ago), this leads to deep, dark depression – even as far as suicidal thoughts. On the manic upswing, symptoms include obsessional behaviour, emphatic (even strident) tone in conversations, suspicion and jealousy, magical thinking and intense narcissism. Unchecked, very little time is spent in any kind of level middle ground, the switching between the two poles being sudden and unpredictable.

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Knock-On Effects

October 6, 2014

I should probably tell you that I have Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, since it’s a large part of why all of these events are happening. I was first diagnosed at 17, then spent the next ten years denying that it was a problem. This was seriously in error, so I spent the following ten years trying to control the outbreaks through controlling sleep, exercise, food and the avoidance of triggering situations (such as TV news, getting drunk or stoned etc). Finally, after a great deal of torment and violence, I admitted that I should give medication a try. It has certainly improved my situation, but there are still episodes where my symptoms have erupted… as you have been reading about.

This week, for instance, I have been displaying manic symptoms such as obsessional behaviour, emphatic (even strident) tone in conversations – pushing them into arguments, circling intrusive thoughts and self criticism, and intense irritability – being prone to flare-ups of shouting and anger.

Basically this is the aftermath of having been a) devastatingly drunk b) having lost control of my waking self c) having been violent which d) caused a severe ruction with one of the friends we were staying with… he has refused to speak with me, even be in the same room, opting out of coming for lunch with a group of us the next day. I did offer to be the one not joining, but even that was unacceptable. So, I’ve had that hanging over me as well.

That’s why, when we got to the restaurant for my Mum’s birthday, my wife quietly suggested that maybe I should take a day off from OctSober and have a drink, because she couldn’t handle my being so wound up and irritable out with the whole family.

She was right, having a drink did ease things, made for a more enjoyable day, but it also became symptomatic when I found it easy just to keep drinking after the meal, ending up on single malt right up until bedtime.

Needless to say I’m feeling pretty hungover today. I must have slept pretty badly too because I’m dead on my feet.

OctSober is back on, as is the no sugar thing (i had a dessert at the meal. Yesterday was a total wash-out), hopefully I can make it through to Samhain with only one black mark in my copybook.

Shield-Biter

October 5, 2014

I know why my father and brother don’t drink. It’s because they have both experienced the black-out… Come back around to the keening and wailing, felt the sticky-slippery texture of blood between the fingers.

We are Beserkers.

Literally it means “Bear Shirt”.

If you think about it, there’s only one way to get one… That’s by skinning a dead bear. One man. One bear. If you live, no man will ever be a challenge. Fuck your SAMCRO cut, this is the utmost honour one could aspire to.

Trouble is, you don’t ever inhabit the Beserk state in day-to-day life; it’s a state you enter in the thick of battle. These days, that’s a rare occurrence.

Which is not to say that it is a rare occurrence to enter Beserk state… Getting over-drunk can flip that switch just as readily as confronting a ravening Grizzly.

Which is why my brother and father don’t drink.

I stood looking at my ancestors on the wall of photos, and for the first time I *actually* looked hard at each male. Were you a brawler? A wife-beater? If I go delving into my family tree am I going to find the inadvertent murder of drunken fools?

I don’t yet understand how my medicine and poison are the same brew.

I don’t want to meet you when I’m drunk.

September 30, 2014

Overdrank at the weekend, have missing time. Came round just as I was putting some guy on the floor. Thank f**k I didn’t hit him. Normally I can’t afford to get that drunk, but there was a free bar. I shoulda made more use of the free buffet instead.

Now I need to write another Mea Culpa and beg forgiveness of the people we were staying with.